Just took my morning after pill in the library
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
