You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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