Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
