if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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