I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
