I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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