I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
