someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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