I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
