Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize