she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
