he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Life is so much better after having sex.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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