Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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