Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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