Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
