i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
