woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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