Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
