I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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