I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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