i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
