FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
