There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
