She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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