Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
