This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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