omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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