A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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