Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He better not be in your backpack
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
