I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
