does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
