i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
