discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
MIDGETS
????
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
