tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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