I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I forgot how hot balto sounded
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
