So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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