u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
