Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
