Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
