i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
