I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
