i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
this beer tastes like vomit already
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
