My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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