my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
