Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize