god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
