I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
