if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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