I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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