hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
