Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
