Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We need to feng shui this bitch.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
