My sheets look like a crime scene.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We have so much sex to catch up on
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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