You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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