All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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