anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
