My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
