her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
