I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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