ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
