New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
