I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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