if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
